Turned myself out (True story) - Christine

I'm a 25 year old "straight" male..for now. I really feel like I'm turning myself out. I've been convincing myself that I can live as a straight male. It would work for a while but then I would start to feel a tingle downstairs and all the nasty thoughts would come rushing in like a tsunami. I'm usually able to fight it off but this time it was different. I started to fuck myself with a sausage because I didn't have my toys anymore. As I was fucking myself it hit me that I had been missing out on a lot of fun. A little back story; so I thought I was transgender when I was about 20 years old. I wasn't really all that sexual. I was very liberal and even the way I went about trying to transition, at first. I never admitted to myself back then that this was more like a fantasy of mine, rather then gender dysphoria. I remember cross dressing, humping the bed and making myself cum when I was way younger. I used to dress up in my sister's clothes when she wasn't home. I'm not into incest nor was I turned on because I was wearing her stuff. I just didn't have access to women's clothes at the time. All of this started as a sexual deviance but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I was struggling because my parents never accepted and I wasn't in the situation to move out of the house and when I would try to and move out with random guys I met online to "help me" it never worked out in my favor and thus having to return back home so I can live as a straight male once again. I was never gay but I say straight male loosely. I even was on hormones once upon a time but I stopped that also. I went back and forth with the hormone therapy. Any time I felt there was this glimmer of hope that I can get my life together since I couldn't hold a job for more then 1 month, I would stop my transition and try to go back living as my former self. This brings me to current times where when I was fucking myself with a piece of meat, I had this feeling of self disgust, regret but happiness and surge of liberation all at the same time. It is then I gave up on trying to "fix" my life and just start living and enjoying my life. I've been in isolation for a long time, no friends, no real hobbies and no social life, feeling shunned and rejected from society as a whole. I'm not playing the victim but I know what isolation can do to even an healthy mind and I was already a little out of it to begin with. So this is where I embraced the new me. I knew this wasn't just another phase. I knew my transformation had to begin. I believe in subliminals and affirmations so I was jerking myself off and dry humping the bed and repeating phrases like "I am a nasty, dirty, tranny." I'd also say things like "I'm so disgusted in myself but it's turning me on." Another example is when I'd say "I am brainwashing myself into a mindless bimbo slut that I am." I started to embrace all of the negatives, not just in my life but other things. I used to hate Cardi B, I used to think she was ratchet and I mean I still do thinks he is but now she is my favorite artist. I plan on listening to every day and molding my mind into this new me, where I can't turn back. I'm too far gone now. I also told myself that Kim Kardashian is my role model. The feeling of doing something bad or being influenced by mindless whores turned me on so much. My thought process was that every time I tried to lead a good righteous path, it would always go left no matter what I said or did but this time, I chose to embrace everything I was once disgusted by. The further down I degraded myself, the more I felt liberated. My transition process is far different from when I first tried to do it, which was very liberal and though I was selling my body for sex at the time, it was purely for survival, not embracing anything. I admit that I have turned myself into a walking fetish and I'm proud of it. I can't wait to look at myself in the mirror with big boobs and ass, and my tongue sticking out, knowing I made the best, worst mistake/decision I've ever made in my entire life. This twisted logic is what makes me me. I'm a failure in every aspect of life, so why not just enjoy my time. The very next time a cock is in my mouth, I will think how I ruined my life but at the same time very happy that I did. :)