Cousin touches me while i sleep

It all started when i was about 11 or 12 and my cousin was about 10. I grew up with only older sisters and all boy cousins. It wasn’t unusual for me to sleep at my cousins house in the summer. But one night while i was sleeping on the couch i woke up to something tickling my little boobs. I got scared and i saw my cousin running back to his room. The next day i acted like i didn’t remember and so did he. We played outside and road our bikes. That night i asked my mom if i could stay the night at my aunts again. Of course she said yes. This time i wore just my underwear and a tank top to bed. After my cousins went to sleep i made sure my blanket only covered my tummy. I stayed awake and about 20 minutes later i saw my cousin sneak out of his room and come closer to me. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and my breathing was so loud. I tried to calm myself down but it didn’t matter he was breathing just as loud. He kneeled next to me and touched his finger on my boobs. Then he got confident and laid his whole hand on it. He held it there for a minute and then stood up. I peeked my eyes open and saw him playing with himself above me. He then pulled my tank top down so one of my nipples was out and he held it again and then bent down and licked it. It felt so good but i just laid there like a good girl. He licked it a couple more times like he was licking a drip of melting icream off the side of a cone. Quick. He would stop and make sure i wasn’t awake and then he stared to lift my blanket and i panicked and started to move and he jumped up and ran to his room. I went to the bathroom a little while later and my underwear were soaked. I didn’t know what that meant so i was so embarrassed. This happened for many years. And one night when i was 21 and drunk i did the same thing. Only this time i acted way more drunk then i was and i let him stick his dick inside me. He heard soemthing in another room and jumped off of me. I’m 25 now and i still think about him touching me. And how he doesn’t know that i know.